When you’re a teenager it feels like the entire world is in front of you. The horizon is full of possibilities, and you’re told you have a tremendous amount of agency in how your future unfolds. You can be anything you want to be if you work hard and stay out of trouble. Go off to college and find yourself. Take a break and see the world. Sure, there’s heartbreak and pain as you part ways with your high school friends. But underneath all of the uncertainty is an undeniable feeling that the world is yours for the taking. The world is big, scary, and complex, but one day you’ll have this all figured out — or at least that’s how my naive ass felt at 18.
As we age, it becomes apparent that the truth is more complicated, opaque, and — frankly — painful. You can do everything right and still get kicked in the fucking teeth for no reason. Well-intentioned marriages end with bitterness and heartbreak. Dreams of a career that will change the world are crushed by corporate org charts and the need to simply keep pace with the bills in your mailbox. Good people in your life will get sick and die, or pass suddenly with no warning at all.
You slowly lose touch with that idealistic teenager who thought that they would break the mold and take the world by storm. Despite our illusions of grandeur, the world has some say in the matter, and our hopes and dreams don’t add up to much as this rock we call home tumbles through the infinite abyss of space.
But here’s the thing: this process of aging isn’t all bad. In the process of learning, growing, losing, and suffering, we learn who we really are. We’re no longer beholden to the person others wanted us to be or maintaining an illusion for the benefit of someone else. And through this journey, we can carve out a rewarding, purposeful life built on what matters most: finding time to do what we love and spending time laughing, crying, or just doing absolutely fucking nothing with the people we love.
Perhaps that is why it’s so interesting to follow American Football’s trajectory from the plucky, earnest (to a fault) Midwest Emo pioneers they were as teenagers to the divorced, world-weary dads they are today. For those of us who came of age around the same time, their evolution is a metronome against which we can measure our own victories and defeats, our moments of growth and the shitty choices we make in between. Through all of that change, one constant remains: they know how to craft a beautiful tune.
I probably don’t need to tell you that “Never Meant” — the iconic song of the band’s 1999 debut album — is one of the foundational songs of the emo genre. That tumbling, jumbled guitar. The yearning lyrics about the end of a relationship that needed to end (SO MUCH YEARNING). It’s a heartbreaking song, but there’s a silver lining: both are off to bigger and brighter things, and nobody is to blame.
Well, 27 years later, it turns out that those bigger and brighter things ended in divorce, suicidal ideation, therapy, and a tinge of alcoholism. “Bad Moons” was the lead single on LP4, and I’m going to level with you: it really fucked me up the first time I heard it.
“I was so far gone in the dark / I bit my tongue in the dark / I collapsed a lung in the dark / I held my breath in the dark / I welcomed death in the dark / I slit my wrists in the dark / I didn’t exist in the dark / Until I found you in the dark.”
It’s apparent that the members of American Football have found themselves in some dark places in recent years. Many of us can relate. They aren’t afraid to linger on that feeling, and most of the songs are pretty dark despite the beautiful, heavily layered instrumentals. My personal highlights:
- “No Feeling,” featuring Turnstile’s Brendan Yates on backup vocals. This song completely nails American Football’s proven formula of swirling guitars and depression.
- “Wake Her Up,” featuring Wisp (an excellent and rising artist in her own right), which opens with this line: “I’ve a morbid fascination with trauma I can’t mend.”
- “Desdemona,” a song about a complicated affair that ends up scarring everyone involved. The drumming by Steve Lamos on this track and throughout the album is absolutely impeccable.
Despite the dark themes, my overall read on the album is strangely optimistic. Here’s why: nobody gets through life unscathed, but we can embrace who we are instead of who we thought we’d be. We can, as American Football does on this album, admit that we’ve fucked up a time or two in ways that cannot be un-fucked while refusing to dwell on those moments forever. We can go through hell and come out the other side changed but still marching forward.
You’ll never be that idealistic teenager again, life isn’t always going to go your way, and at various points in this weird journey, you may not recognize yourself in the mirror. That’s not only OK — it’s expected. Hang on to the people and things that bring you joy and roll with the punches.
Follow the Good Tunes for Dark Times Instagram or check out the playlist on Apple Music or Spotify, which is updated regularly (or whenever I get to it, cut me some slack, sheesh).
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